Sandy Kovar Story

My Heart’s Journey

The Moment That Changed My Everything.

As a mother, there is a moment that forever divided my life into two parts: life with my child and life without him. For me, that moment came on August 3, 2003, when I learned the devastating news that my son, Michael died by suicide. He was only 18 years old.

In an instant, everything I knew about life, love, and motherhood was forever altered. The future I had imagined for Michael vanished, replaced by questions that would never be answered and a grief that would become my constant companion. From that day forward, I was forced to navigate a changed life, one without Michael. 

This is the story of both.

Life With Michael…

Michael, also known as my Sweet Pea,  had a remarkable gift for loving people exactly as they were. Family meant everything to him, and he had a special way of making each of us feel valued, accepted, and loved. He embraced each person’s unique personality, strengths, and quirks, and somehow knew exactly how to connect with each member of our family in a meaningful way. Whether it was a holiday gathering, a vacation, a day at the lake, or simply spending time together at home, he appreciated those moments more than we may have realized at the time.

One of Michael’s favorite pastimes was teasing his little sister, Shalee. Like many big brothers, he took great pride in finding ways to make her laugh, roll her eyes, or playfully argue with her. Looking back now, those moments of sibling mischief have become treasured memories and small snapshots of a bond filled with love, laughter, and the ordinary moments that make family life so special.

Michael also had a deep passion for hockey. Hockey was more than a sport to him, it was a part of who he was. He loved playing the game, watching it, talking about it, and spending time around the hockey community. His love for the sport eventually led him to become a hockey referee, a role he enjoyed and took seriously. Whether he was on the ice as a player or serving as a referee, hockey brought him joy, purpose, and lasting friendships.

When he wasn’t at the rink, Michael loved spending time at the lake. He enjoyed being on the water, fishing, relaxing, and simply soaking in the beauty of the outdoors. Some of his happiest moments were spent surrounded by friends, sharing stories, laughing together, and creating memories that would last a lifetime. He valued those friendships deeply and was someone people naturally enjoyed being around.

Michael had his future planned. After graduating from high school, he intended to attend the University of North Dakota and pursue a degree in Exercise Science. He was excited about the opportunities ahead of him and looked forward to building a career that reflected his interests and talents. Like so many young people his age, he had dreams, goals, and a future filled with possibilities.

Life Without Michael…

Today, I miss Michael beyond words. I miss the sound of his voice, his laughter, his presence, and the countless moments that I imagined sharing with him in the years ahead. There are no new memories being created with him, and that reality is one of the deepest sorrows I carry. Yet while my time with Michael was far too short, I was blessed with eighteen years of loving memories that can never be taken away.

I was left with countless questions. Why? How could this happen? Why didn’t I see the signs? What did I miss? What could I have done differently? I replay conversations, memories, and moments again in my mind, searching for answers that never seem to come. The weight of those unanswered questions are part of my healing journey.

The pain is unlike anything I have ever known. Losing Michael changed everything. It changed the way I see the world, the way I see myself, and the way I move through each day. There are times when simply putting one foot in front of the other feels impossible. The sadness is overwhelming, and the loneliness that often accompanies suicide loss made the journey even more difficult. Yet, even in the darkest moments, I was not completely alone. 

My family stood beside me. Friends reached out with compassion and support. Members of my community showed up, listened, and helped carry pieces of a burden that felt far too heavy to bear on my own. Looking back, I realize that those connections became lifelines. They reminded me that while grief is deeply personal, healing is not something we are meant to do alone.

In the days and weeks following Michael’s death, I found myself having countless conversations with family members, friends, classmates, and others whose lives he had touched. Every conversation revealed something that broke my heart all over again. As I looked into their eyes, I saw the same disbelief I was carrying within myself. I saw confusion, sadness, and pain. I saw young people struggling to understand how someone they cared about so deeply could be gone. I saw family members searching for answers too. We were all trying to make sense of something that felt impossible to comprehend.

Each person was carrying their own grief, yet there was a shared sense of heartbreak that connected us. Michael’s death had created a ripple of pain that reached far beyond our immediate family. The hurt was visible in every tear, every quiet moment, every story shared, and every question left unanswered. It became clear to me that I was not the only one grieving the loss of Michael. There were many people struggling to find their way through the darkness that his death had left behind.

As difficult as those conversations were, they opened my eyes to something important. I realized that if I felt isolated and overwhelmed, others were feeling the same way. We were all hurting, and many of us were trying to carry that pain alone. Deep within my heart, I began to feel a calling to do something. Not only for myself, but for everyone who loved Michael. I wanted each person to know they did not have to walk this path alone. I wanted them to have a place where they could share their grief openly, ask questions without judgment, and find comfort in knowing they were understood.

My Journey Forward Inspired by Michael…

During those early years, my family became my greatest source of strength. We leaned on one another in ways we never had before. There were days when one of us felt strong enough to carry the others, and there were days when we simply sat together in our sadness because words were not enough. Through our shared love for Michael, we found ways to support one another, even while our hearts were broken. Those connections became a foundation that helped us survive the unimaginable.

The truth is that grief does not disappear with time. There are still days when the loss feels heavy. There are moments when memories catch me by surprise, and I am reminded once again of everything that Michael should have experienced in life. The pain of losing a child never completely leaves you. Yet alongside that pain, I began to discover something else and that is hope and strength.

Little by little, I learned that moving forward did not require me to leave my grief behind. It required me to carry it differently. With the love of my family, the support of friends, and the connections with others who understood this journey, I found a sense of hope that slowly grew stronger. That hope inspired me to continue to rebuild my life.

There are many days when taking the next step feels difficult, but I keep moving. Some days the steps are small. Some days they are uncertain. Yet with every challenge, I find resilience I never knew I had in me. I discovered that strength is not the absence of pain; it is the willingness to continue despite it. Hope is not the belief that everything will be easy; it is the belief that healing is possible, even when the road ahead seems long.

As I slowly began navigating life without Michael, I found myself connecting with other families who had also lost loved ones to suicide. In those conversations, I discovered something powerful. We spoke a language that only those who have walked this path truly understand. We shared our heartbreak, our questions, our guilt, our anger, and our love for the people we had lost. Most importantly, we shared hope with one another, even when hope felt difficult to find.

Through those connections, I began to understand that healing did not mean forgetting Michael or leaving him behind. It meant finding a way to honor his life while continuing to live my own. Over time, I realized that although I could not change what happened, I could choose what to do with the pain.

I can see how those early conversations, filled with tears and heartbreak, planted the seeds for everything that would follow. They taught me the importance of connection, the power of family, and the necessity of supporting one another through life’s darkest moments. They reminded me that none of us are meant to carry grief alone.

That realization became the beginning of something much larger than myself.

As I listened to others share their stories, I saw a tremendous need in our communities. There were families struggling to survive unimaginable loss. There were individuals silently battling thoughts of suicide who desperately needed support, understanding, and hope. There were conversations that needed to happen and connections that needed to be made. By sharing my story of losing Michael to suicide, I knew in my heart it could make a difference.

From that place of love, heartbreak, and hope, TEARS was born.

TEARS did not begin as an organization. It began as a mother’s desire to make sure that no one had to walk this journey alone. It began with determination to create spaces where people could share their stories without judgment, find support during their darkest moments, and discover that healing is possible. 

Over the years, my own healing journey has taken me places I never imagined. The grief of losing Michael has never disappeared, nor would I want it to. Grief is a reflection of love, and my love for my son remains as strong today as it was when he was here. What has changed is my relationship with that grief. Alongside it, I have found strength, resilience, purpose, and a deeper understanding of the human spirit.

Through TEARS, I have had the privilege of meeting thousands of people whose lives have been touched by suicide. I have witnessed incredible courage in those who believed they could never survive their loss. I have seen families find healing, communities come together, and individuals discover reasons to keep going when they felt there were none. Every story has reinforced what I have come to believe so deeply: hope and grief can coexist. We can carry our sorrow while still finding moments of joy. We can honor those we have lost while continuing to move forward.

Michael remains at the heart of everything I do. His life, his memory, and the love I have for him continue to guide this work every day. While I would give anything to have him here with me, I am grateful for the countless lives that have been touched through the legacy he has inspired. His story has become part of a larger mission to bring hope and strength to those who are struggling, support to those who are grieving, and education to communities seeking to make a difference.

If there is one thing I have learned through this journey, it is that healing is not about moving on. It is about moving forward while carrying the people we love with us. Michael walks with me every day. In every conversation, every family I support, every life touched through TEARS, and every message of hope shared with someone who needs it.

I am, and always will be, Michael’s mother. His life continues to inspire my purpose, and his memory continues to shine a light for others. What began as the deepest heartbreak of my life became a journey of healing, connections, and helping others find hope and strength. It is my prayer that through sharing my story, others will know they are not alone, that help is available, and that even during profound loss, hope can still be found.

Michael’s life mattered. The impact he made on his family, his friends, teammates, classmates, and everyone who knew him continues to be felt today. His memory remains woven into the fabric of our family, and the love he shared continues to shape our lives. While his absence is deeply felt, his presence lives on through the memories, lessons, and love he left behind.

I am grateful for every memory we shared, every conversation, every laugh, and every ordinary day that now feels extraordinary. I now measure my life not by the day I lost Michael, but how his life continues to inspire me.